As a professional woman I have the joy of dealing with societally systemic sexism on a pretty regular basis. As a woman in ministry I have the joy of dealing with the type of systemic sexism that women in ministry get to deal with. I’m used to both of these, for the most part. My response varies depending on what I believe will be the most loving and the most effective. Sometimes that means I challenge bad theology or cultural bias. Sometimes that means I say nothing and say a prayer for extra mercy. Last night I got to deal with a kind of sexism that I haven’t encountered since my single days - from a man that my niece reflected, “Looked like the kind of guy who ruffies girls at parties.” I do encounter guys who strike me this way when I’m working various events around the Valley, but I’m selling them food and/or drinks so they usually want to be nice to me. Sometimes a little too nice, and sometimes they are still rude, but I work with a group that usually includes guys and we are there working with the groups that run the events so I feel pretty protected and safe. This was different. This was personal, and he was aggressive. What life altering event provoked this encounter? I went with my mom and my niece to help my niece buy a car. We entered a place of business and wanted to give them money. The salesman was very nice. The facility manager was nice. The finance people - both of the ones we talked to (the first was called out on an emergency) - were lovely. But the sales supervisor who comes in to push things from the initial salesperson to the finance stage - the person who is there to try and close the sale - that was a different story. Had everyone else not been as they were, or had the purchase been for me and not someone I was helping who had found a vehicle they wanted, we would have walked. Because it was scary. The guy sat down and began answering the questions we had asked - what a few different fees were, how they were figured, and why the vehicle was X amount over the value of the vehicle stated on the paperwork in the folder for the vehicle. Apparently that is the money that goes into the vehicle to get it ready to pass emissions and sell it and I had asked for specifics on what they had to fix. If out of $1,000 about $800 goes into the oil system then you might need to watch for leaks or other issues with that system. It didn’t mean she wouldn’t buy the vehicle, but it was information we had discussed wanting to know before she signed the final sale docs. He kept saying all the things that could be part of that difference and I tried a few times to ask him what they actually were. Instead of answering us he got very annoyed and said, “I’m telling you.” Then continued stating all of the systems in the car that can be fixed and have the cost go into that difference. There was some hard pressure sales talk going as well, and he powered through. Then he went over the terms we had been discussing (trade in value, monthly payment, etc.). He scratches a bunch of notes on the paper and then writes, “If the cost is $X a month I will buy this car today.” Puts a line for a signature and an X for her to sign. I told him that she wasn’t going to sign it and we would just wait to see if he could get the terms. He insisted that she had to sign it. I stated that she wasn’t going to sign any contract without all of the information clearly negotiated and stated and he insisted that it wasn’t a contract. At this point things shifted from aggressive sales tactics to full on aggression. This was also the point that I became, “Miss.” We went back and forth over whether it was a contract - and ultimately my niece pointed out that if it isn’t a contact then there would be no reason for her to sign it. He didn’t acknowledge her so when I repeated what she had said I got back, “Look, Miss, you’re making this difficult. This is what I have to take back for my boss to be able to move forward.” Right - because it’s a contract. “No, Miss, it’s because it shows you’re serious about buying the vehicle.” We’re here. We haven’t left. She wants the car. Go talk to your boss. She’ll sign with the terms are completely negotiated. “Look, Miss, . . . “ At this point I interrupted him and told him that it was inappropriate for him to keep calling me Miss. If he wanted to talk to me he could call me Reverend.” Those of you who know me personally know that I NEVER pull the title card. I really have NEVER insisted that anyone call me by my professional credential title. I am not concerned about things like that. So why do it now? Because this man was minimizing and belittling me with the title “miss” as though I was a little girl who was beneath him and had no right to challenge his authority. I refuse to be threatened and intimidated. Even then, he paused only a moment and called me Reverend and then was right back to Miss. His refusal to acknowledge my professional title was then combined with puffing up his muscles and flexing them as he leaned in towards me in a menacing way, talking over me, dismissing me, and when I pointed out that he was behaving in a condescending manner to me he responded that he wasn’t condescending to me as he dismissed everything I was saying. At that point, because he had leaned into my space and was yelling at me, I crossed my arms and leaned way back in my seat and said, “You are bullying me.” Every time he insisted he wasn’t, talked over me, demanded that she sign the paper, I repeated firmly and calmly, “You are bullying me.” “Ever since I sat down you have been rude to me! You keep talking over me like you’re doing right now and not letting ME finish what I’m saying!” “BECAUSE you are bullying me.” “You are making this difficult, Miss. All she needs to do is sign the paper and if she doesn’t then she can’t buy the car!” “Then I guess we’ll leave.” That stopped him for a moment as we stared at each other and then I broke the silence by informing him that we were completely done dealing with him and was there anyone there who he answered to - we’d like to talk to them. He insisted that his manager was going to come out and tell us the same thing and I told him that we would be happy to talk about that with his manager but he needed to get away from us right now. As he stormed off he stopped behind me and hissed “MISS” at me like a final slap. The manager apologized. He insisted that he would talk to him later but I didn’t get a feeling he meant it - my guess is that guy is pretty successful at bullying people into doing things and makes them a lot of sales. Maybe he’ll get a, “You went a little too far,” before they go to lunch. But the manager did answer our questions about what specific repairs and maintenance were done to the car, and he went back and put everything down all sorted out in a contact that she was willing to sign. She got the car. The salesman apologized. I called him out, though. He admitted that the guy is normally aggressive but that he’d gone too far for him - he’d never seen him get that aggressive. I suggested it was because people usually do what he said and he agreed. I also told him that he knew that would not have happened if we were men. He got a bit embarrassed but admitted I was right. So I asked him to think hard about not only the fact that the guy was either an idiot or a liar - that it was a contract he wanted her to sign - but to ask himself how he would feel if that man had talked to his mother or his girlfriend that way. He seemed to have a very sobering contemplation and kept saying that he’d gone too far. He really had gone too far. But that’s how bullies act when some girl doesn’t do what they want. That’s how men who think they have a right to get their way behave when some ‘miss’ makes things difficult. And I dealt with it because that’s kind of my superpower, but I’m really glad that my niece and my mother weren’t there dealing with it alone. And I really hope that the next woman who tries to buy a car there doesn’t get subjected to that. Shame on you, Autonation, for even employing a man like that.
Crystal Lutton
Mar 28, 2016
